perception

Ok, perception (or rather a comment in my inbox due to a previous post) would lead me to believe that there may be at least one person frustrated with me. I saw this coming. But not because of what was posted, but by other things.
I will be forthright that when I had first read some things in that conversation I was a bit peeved. If you had looked at the timestamp however, you would note that it had not been posted until long after that conversation had happened. You had gone to work hours ago.

Now, you can think I've changed all you want. You can think that me posting that conversation was invictive or mean spirited. It genuinely wasn't. Like I wrote in your YIM, if anything it made me look bad probably. I would elaborate on my censoring certain parts of the conversation- but I don't feel it necessary to blog them here. I will say this much though- my censoring that I could care less how much money a guy has is nothing wrong. I know that I could give a fuck about something like that- or I wouldn't be with Andre. I'm pretty sure that I've told you about how horrible a "buisness deal" marrying him was.. he screwed over my credit 10xs over- not that mine was great to beguin with, but it was great compared to his.

Yes, playing video games as much as I do will generally count me as either nerdy or tomboyish. Many women that play games as much as I do are unattractive. You can try and tell me otherwise all you want (the PMS girls play shooters and are not the so called common type of female players), but it is reality. Hell, go play an MMO and say you are a female (or let it be known and go on a voice program while playing one of those games... real women are a hot commodity because they are so rare. Average ones will get treated like goddesses when they game even causually. I played the top end of the game for a year. That's incredibly rare even for most men players out there. And that's not even tooting my horn.. I worked my virtual ass off and anyone that knows me from game knows that to be a fact.

Nope, being a label whore doesn't make me a tomboy.. never claimed that one to be a tomboyish trait. What I define as tomboyish, is behavioral. I generally keep mostly guy friends for company- ie me talking about mike, mike, s., dave, or vic a majority of the time. Yes I have like 3 close female friends really-Tina, Sarah and you. This is the company I keep, because I can be known to - a)not know about a lot of girly things, like makeup and hair. I know basic things like how to put on eyeliner and things, but nothing outstandingly girly. b)like i said, most girls generally don't get into the games to the extreme that I do- and women that game are highly competitive b/c of it.. they have to prove themselves to get respect pretty much if they want to go to the level I was playing at before. But I've already gone over that. c)I can get away with being a lot more when I hang out with a guy as opposed to a girl. I don't have to keep my manners perfectly pristine. d)i like to get dirty. e)I don't care to cook or go to church groups or sit around at tupperware parties or any of that women junk. Yes I sew and design and things- but hell even men do that. I'm not exactly knitting or crocheting or any of that.
You know, I really don't even know why I'm sitting here and explaining this, because I know I don't completely fit into either the girly or the tomboy catagory. I just can judge by past experiences.

Back to the post though. Guess who's likely to be reading this? Yeah like 4 people. Andre reads my blog on occassion- I point him that way when I think he needs a hint, because sometimes subtle (or even not so subtle)words don't seem to set in enough for him. You read this. And Vic does (not to drag you into this in a bad way, srry babe). None of whom, would judge you by what you said. Hell, Andre talked to you on the phone a little bit and has no qualms. Vic hasn't even met you. Was there anything bad in there? Not in my eyes there wasn't. And yes, fully admit, Andre read it and he didn't see anything bad in there about you either. He said, if anything, I was the one who looked bad from what was written.

As for the loyalty part- which parts of that conversation really involved the people in question in a negative way? Was it the part about the ______ older guy thing? Who the hell cares if you like older guys- there's nothing wrong with that nor to be ashamed of.

What point exactly was I trying to make? Or rather what do you think I was trying to say? I voiced how you were mad at me about me GETTING SLOPPY DRUNK AND CRASHING AT ANOTHER MAN'S HOUSE WHO I JUST MET. There feel better that that is loud and out all over the www? My friend Tina knows about it and laughed because she knows how I am. And she trusts that nothing happened. Don't get me wrong, I got scolded a bit for it too. But what friend wouldn't have done that? She was just conserned.

I'll write right here that I'm having marriage problems. World, look, me and Andre are having problems because I like to hang out with another guy that I just met that I share some common interests with and have some conversation. By the way I drink with him. See the capitals above, that was the same guy. I happen to enjoy his company immensely b/c he makes me laugh and I can have intelligent conversation with him. My husband is quiet so he doesn't generally talk too much (the version you hear of him on the phone took almost a year of dateing to get him to openly talk like that to people-he didnt even talk to my family when I first met him he was so damn quiet.) I know that the world wants me to be a dainty little housewife and only have fun when my friends call from out of state. But I'll just put on a fake happy little smile and pretend that everything is just peachy kean.

M.- I'm not happy. I love my kids. I love my friends- spread out and real as they may be out there. But I need time for me. All the things you mentioned, just aren't me. It's nothing personal. No one is out to get you. I don't know if this whole thing with me and Andre is even going to last. He can't seem to get over me hanging out with friends period. He'd make exceptions for people like you (women/people I've known for a long time). But if I can't make new friends, then this isn't going to work. I don't care how much we try. It's not going to be good enough for me. Don't you understand or see how miserable that makes me? Why the hell do you think I go out so much sometimes? Like in my previous post- and the one on myspace- I haven't been me in long time. I just want to be me again.

As far as the high expectations- to some degree, I guess I would say that you are right, I do have high expectations of people in my life. I don't like drama, so I don't associate with shit people. But shit happens. You can call that me (the shit that happened in your life) if you want to. That's your choice. I would take that as a compliment, because my good friends are some of the most awesomest people on the planet. I'd be biased of course.

And if I was really a shitty friend, I wouldn't have cared to read what was written. Or even taken the time to write a response "for the whole www to read."