yawn

I'm terribly bored here at work.. on my break and this seems like a dead nite. It's so damn quiet, if I wasn't already insane, I would be going it now. That, and I think that there is something brewing... I fucking worry too much I think.

Resisting the urge to call.. hopeing that I'm not the cause of any problems. I'm used to the hours I keep here, but sometimes I wish that I would only be needed here for 8 hours (then I'd be almost outta here).

I just wish that on my breaks that there were more people awake than Tehhu. We've been talking for years and it's wonderful. Still... even when the shit has hit the fan; except for one instance, he was there for me. I often wonder what it would be like if he was closer. If he had been local back when I was having other issues.
Ah well, perhaps it's better off. Perhaps a lot of things are better off.

**

On a positive note there seems to be some improvement with Andre's behavior. Granted, it's not perfect- and in all honesty, I know it's not going to be all perfect right now. I have some things going on in my head right now.. and part of me is thankful for working so many hours. I just wish I had a weekend off sometime so I could actually do things like-

a)this party up in LA for Halloween (pre Halloween)

b)drinking,

c)going to a club with Ryan instead of always having to hear about how great a weekend he had with his friends (not picky though- I'd just like to go to a club with friends in general)

d)meet people that aren't fucking morons

e)Go to vegas

f)go to Mexico to have that huge lobster I see everyone else having and raveing about

g)to go on photoshoots

h)to go to the beach (I can't tell you the last time I actually did)... and the list goes on...

I still find myself thinking about Nathan. I write letters here and there- and it shows that he reads them.. but he never responds. Ryan says that it's probably just his curiousity- and not that he really cares. I wish he did though. I still want to tell him how sorry I am about how everything turned out.

Is it wrong that the years go by, and yet a piece of me still feels this way? You would think that I would be completely over it all, but I'm not. Mike says it's probably not him, but rather the idea of him. Maybe he's right. I don't know anymore.

I don't know alot of things anymore.

Well more later... back to work.. just a few hours till I actually get to have time off for a day. I made plans with my friend Mica. I don't know if Ryan is going to want to do anything or not.. I'll just wait and figure it out. I don't want to bug him, and I feel like I have because I just enjoy talking to him, and he's easy to confide in...

Sigh... like I said, more later.