Chicago journals pt 2

14 july 06 1018am

Making shitty time

We’re finally just about out of Texas. I slept a majority of this trip. I’m a lazy fucker. The last times I was really awake this entire trip were when we were a) in major cities or b)there was a Wi Fi connection that we could tap into. Alas, the nerdiness strikes again. There are so many places that you can get Wi Fi. It’s wonderous. Ah, the age of techiness.

Happy Birthday Dani

My cousin’s birthday was today. Just taking a moment to stop and reflect.

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15 july 06 1127 mst

Just like Home

I haven’t journaled in a few days. The last of the vacation hustle and bustle is finally beginning to come to a close. The after vacation activities are going to exhaust me even more. There is so much to do. Sometimes I wish that I could just pause time for a bit. I’m just trying to enjoy every moment possible.

Last night was fabulous. I hadn’t heard from Rhonda in something like 6 years. I got a call yesterday from her. It was a pleasant surprise. You know how people are sometimes. They say that generic “sure, I’ll call you and we should hang out,” but it rarely ever happens. Or, more particularly, especially after the sheets have been stained a bit.

But, perhaps time really does cure all. People get older. They change or they remain the same. Thankfully, the greater good happened. We both had some growing up and maturing to do.

We had coffee at a Denny’s. It was a couple’s night out of sorts- her and her husband, me and mine, and then there was Mike and his flavor of the week.

Nothing against Mike… we both know that that girl is on a different part of her life though. Mike has passed that stage. It’s difficult with times of struggle. She has a long road ahead of herself though still.

The two husbands conversed intently. Ah yes, another one of the flock. He’s our kind; a computer savy one. Of course, we all got along marvelously. He was a very kind gentleman.

Rhonda and I still have ages of catching up to do. I really wish that she lived in town. I would love to have done last night more often. She has a glow about herself now. You can just see the happiness exudeing from her. She shines. It made me feel warm seeing that.

Last night, was like water under the bridge/nothing bad had ever happened. We left the past where it should be. The old dirt sifted to the bottom, and rinsed anew.

Poor indecisive Michael. As he sipped his coffee and anxiously picked at fries, you could just tell that he had a lot on his mind. He was trying so hard to be happy about things. But it was obvious that present company was not what he really wished.

I feel bad for the guy in a way. I’ve been there…missing someone so much… that longing sense of lonliness- as if your heart were screaming to be satiated.

It was good to hug them. I’d missed that so much. They are such good, genuine people. For a few hours last night, if nothing more, there were just us- old friends. It was like home all over again. Even though, this was miles from there.

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16 july o6 1142 mst

When people just really need to shaddup

Episode 1: Family matters

Yesterday we went and visited Andre’s auntie and uncle up in Peoria. Let me start off by saying that I respect their right to have an opinion, but they should have respected mine as well.

Calm down. It’s not as bad as you think. I was respectful and kept my mouth shut.

Here I can vent though.

Now after I first left I was infuriated. I bit my lip. I didn’t let my displeasure show in front of them. So when we were far enough down the block I just went to town.

Now, I don’t remember everything from our last visit, but, Andre tells me that the same thing happened after we’d left then as well.

I was pregnant when we’d visited last holiday. Jordan was with us. It was my first time meeting them. They bbq’d a feast. It was enjoyable.

But then it happened. Now, his aunt and uncle have only two daughters- both of which are successful. To me, that’s a tiny family. Most people I know are one of 3 or more children. I only know of a tiny number that are only children.

I did mention that I was pregnant right? I thought so. Now, having said this, his relatives then proceeded to tell me that they didn’t think I should have any more children. They tried reasoning that if I had a small family that I could provide better for them. I could give them all the love that they truly deserved, rather than hand-me-downs and only being able to buy shoes every couple of years for them.

If you’ve met me in person at all, you would know my position on children. But for those of you that don’t know, I’ll tell you my feeling on this.

I smiled as I turned to his uncle Frank, and shook my head. I told him that my life is not my own anymore. I live for my children. Having children has been the most rewarding experience that I have ever had.

I thought that he would understand. He didn’t. Instead they still pressed on. This continued on for several minutes. I bit my lip. I really wanted to scream. I resisted the urge.

Finally there was a pause. I told him that I respected his opinion, but I was going to have to agree to disagree in this instance.

I had a headache then. But it wasn’t over just yet.

They started talking about the property in Guam.

Pause a moment here. This takes a little explaining.

My husband aquired some properties there (where he grew up) approximately 10 years when his father passed away of cancer. The equity there has gone untouched ever since it happened. Properties were never properly completely distributed per his father’s wishes. Instead, they immediately went to his mother. His mother, doesn’t want to “deal with the mess.” Thus, it just sits there doing absolutely nothing for anyone.

His family talks about these properties all the time. They keep going on about how much my husband’s properties are all worth. Uncle Frank told a story of how he was offered 5 million for a piece of land that neither his daughters wanted.

Andre and I dream of having a house out here someday. I love California. This is where I want to set up my roots and raise my family.

Making use of the equity we are sitting on down there would give us extra income and collateral to make that dream happen. But this likely won’t happen anytime soon. Or, at least while his mother is alive.

A long time ago, Andre’s father decided to help a poor Micronesian family. Since no one was resideing in the house that Andre grew up in, his father decided to allow this family to stay there. They had been there many years before Joe had even died. They are still there- paying nothing in rent. They haven’t even offered it as a gesture.

Uncle Frank started talking about his old home in Guam. He started telling us how long the family out there had consistently been paying rent. I bit my lip.

I couldn’t hold everything back then. “Why couldn’t we rent that house out then? The extra money would help our family here.”

Uncle Frank sounded frustrated. Joe asked that that family be allowed to stay there until Andre came back with his family to live there. How dare I say anything differently. “It wasn’t my place to.”

I felt like a missionary or a doormat. Everyone talks so highly of Joe and especially the wonderful thing that he did for this poor family. But, Joe wasn’t perfect; no matter how much some may want to make him appear to be. He cheated on his wife of many years repeatedly. He was rarely home. He did more for others than he did for (what I feel) the ones that truly matter the most- his family.

Now I’m not trying to say that I am perfect either. I’m far from it. But Joe wasn’t a martyr. Yet that’s exactly what it feels like whenever they talk about him. Andre accepts this. I accept him with his faults. That’s what love is all about after all- accepting and those imperfections with the good, regardless of anything else.

I didn’t let all of this out. I held back out of respect.

I explained that it had been a noble thing that his father had done, but when was the charity ever going to end? It was obvious that Andre had no intentions of coming back anytime soon, even back then. It was ridiculous that these strangers should come before his own son’s family.

But I was wrong, they were right. My dad (who accompanied us that time) shook his head and bit his lip as well. Manners. I was quiet the rest of the time as Andre spoke to his family.

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Episode 2: The psycho aka not marriage material despite wanting to be

Another little instance of people that need to learn some tact… the other night I spoke about in my last entry. Mike has this “girlfriend” named Lisa. We refer to her affectionately as “the psycho.”

The other night was our first encounter with her. To be fair, she had been working late and she carries along with her a ton of emotional baggage. On top of all that, she is not even old enough to drink- a “cherry” though hers may be gone anyway.

Out of humanitarian reasons (mainly that I feel sorry for her), I won’t go into the long laundry list of dirt that that entails. I will just reveal this much, since it is integral to this little narrative, however, that she has a child out of wedlock. The father is M.I.A. It’s an all too common tale nowadays.

Now, it was a very open meeting. We just went to Denny’s to have some coffee and conversation. This is extremely normal for us old friends. It’s like a broken record- however tried and true but never loses its appeal.

Periodically throughout the night, we would sneak out in shifts for cigarettes. In Illinois, the coffeehouses allow for smoking sections. In Arizona and in California the law doesn’t allow it though. For us, that sucks. We are habitual social smokers.

It was, and I wish that I was kidding, a swealtering 120 degrees out in Mesa. All of us smoked fast when it was our turn.

Mike asked our opinion of this girl on our shifts. She was quiet for the most part, so I didn’t have anything to really say on either slab.

Then she realized that she had forgotten a bottle back at Mike’s place. Mike got the heavy as he told her that he was just going to go with me back to the house. We invited Rhonda to go as well. Lisa was upset that he was “leaving her with people that she really doesn’t even know.” What were we supposed to do? Pack up the baby and all that just to run 5 minutes away? It would make a 5 minute trip, a 20 minute trip. She huffed a bit, but we walked out anyway.

So, we took a drive over there to pick it up. Just as a precautionary, Mike called to make sure that was all that she needed. Yes, she also needed formula. Thank God he called, otherwise I would have had to have driven back there. (She didn’t drive at all)

Mike made reference to her frustration to me in the car. I told him I agreed that her making a mini scene was really unnecessary. Oh well. I’m going to chuck this up to her just being nervous. I allowed her a bi then.

Later the boys went out for smokes though, leaving the 3 of us ladies to chat. Rhonda and I had tons of catching up to do. But we have known each other for over 6 years now.

It was somewhere in that casual conversation that Lisa asked me if all 3 of my children were my husband’s. She had only briefly seen pictures of them.

Now, I could relate to her problem of raising a child alone a little bit. I did so with my first son Ethan. But that was not anyone’s business. Andre has been in my son’s life since my son was 6 months old- and Ethan never met his biological father. So, in my eyes, that is without a doubt, his father. We have talked about adoption for Ethan for some time as well.

I think that her brain must’ve been turned off. That’s the only logical explanation that I can fathom for something that ignorant escaping her mouth. Either that or she’s an idiot. I’m going to go with a combination of some combination thereof.

I let it blow off my shoulder. I knew that Rhonda already knew about it. I didn’t feel the urge to hide it. I’m comfortable enough with my past to talk about how it. I’m a firm believer that a person’s past only strengthens or breaks a person. I’m not ashamed of what I have done, because it has molded me into the person that I have become.

The night was cut short by a phone call from dad. The kids hadn’t fallen asleep yet and it was already 130 in the morning. We needed to get back.

The next day, after we’d left Andre’s family’s house, and I was already steaming, I remembered what she had said. I really didn’t appreciate it in hindsight. I had known her all of what? Like an hour before she dropped that ball on me? That just wasn’t right.

I called up Mike to talk to him about it. He was shocked. The girl basically called me a slut without so much saying it outright. He knew EXACTLY why I was pissed.

He told me later that night when we went out for coffee that my timing on telling him that was impeccable. He was actually dropping her off when I called. He asked her if she remembered even asking the question. She didn’t understand why we thought it was offensive. Her reply was that she “wouldn’t have had a problem if someone asked her the same thing.” Oh yeah, well, easier said than done… especially when she only has one child to begin with.

Anyways, we went to have coffee with Mike again last night after the show. We bullshitted for a few hours as normal. Once again, we took smoke shifts. As we were chatting, Mike got a text message on his phone from “psycho.” She said “I know all your friends hate me, but…” Woah. Fucking drama. Plah-leeese lady. I mean, for cripe’s sake.

We asked him if he was even going to bother responding to that. He just smiled and looked at us. “I told her awhile back that I never look and won’t respond to her text messages. I saw nothing.”

(^_^) hehehe

Once again, this is reaffirming that sometimes people really need to just shaddup. More episodes are sure to play out in later entries. Let’s keep a running tally

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16 july 06 418pm

Dashboard disappointment

Andre and I went to a Dashboard Confessional concert as our anniversary. It was moderately alright. It wasn’t the worst show that we have gone to, but it wasn’t the best either. Andre and I agreed that Jack Johnson was splendid though. We highly recommend him. The man really knew how to work the crowd. His encore was like the length of an entire other set. Dashboard really didn’t involve the crowd much at all. He said generic things to the crowd. Jack was real.

Oh and when we were there Andre and I were on people watch. I’d forgotten how much fun it was just to observe people.

When people would walk by Andre and I would look for people that we thought the other would consider hot commodities.

We were by the crew of the ampitheatre. The place was set up in rows, that elevated behind us. There was a wide piece of lawn for the pit in front of us. With it being over a hundred, and my tendacy of getting heat stroke, we decided to sit and watch from one of the little steps.

One of the opening acts for Dashboard was someone named Ben Lee. From where we were, I thought the guy was short. He was trying to entertain as best as he could. I give the guy an A for effort. He did 10xs more than Chris from Dashboard did.

One of the things he said was that he wanted everyone to “uncoolify” people before he was done with his set. Andre and I were sitting back there thinking, oh my God, what a loser.

So now we were sitting people watching, and this guy comes by us. Hmmm, yes I will have to say he was pretty cute. I wish I could’ve snapped a pic of him with the digital, but they wouldn’t let us bring it in. It sucked, because right next to us was this fat girl toying with her digital camera.

In any event, I was looking at him a bit. I had no clue at the time though.

He talked to the crew for a few minutes. I figured he was probably just crew because they were all dressed normally anyway. Then two guys came down out of the crowd and approached him. He talked to them for a minute. Then they handed him their tickets for an autograph and took a picture on their phone. Yep, my foot tastes like chicken. It was the lead singer from Ben Lee… less than 2 feet in front of me. Doh.

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July 16 06 358pst

Alllmost home

We are enjoying the last 45 of relaxing. We’re already in SD county. All that is really needed left, is to head over these mountains, then it’s a straight away.

July 16 o6 419pst

Ok. So I started to write the bit about being almost home, and then I got sidetracked so I wrote the lil blurb about Dashboard. Carrying on now. Ho hum.

So if we lived in El Cajon still, we’d be home already. In fact, we are right by our old place now.

It’s good to be back to our familiar home. The temperature dropped as we came over the mountain to 85 degrees. It’s such a relief compared to the triple digits we were in a few short hours ago. El Cajon is close though. It’s 92 here. It will be cooler once we hit midtown D though.

I have so much workl cut out for me when we return. I filled the camera again. That’s another 45 pictures to upload. Oh Lord. It is going to take me days to get all of them off my computer. I told Andre that we should copy them to a disk and send that back to Mom.

I felt so grand when we finally came in range of my radio station. It seems that everywhere seems to be playing the same 10 songs in rotation all of the time. I miss my little independent station. Ah 91x. You are fabulous.

I am going to have to make a bunch of calls when I get back. Everyone will want to know that we are finally home.

I told Andre that I really think I want to get a part time job. I think the extra income would be a nice little buffer.

Andre is complaining that I need to tone down on the vices already. Thanks to Tiff, I’ve gotten into makeup. I had been on an earring fix for a little bit there. Clothes are becoming more forthcoming a want. I discovered that I need to get more shoes. I mean I seriously have like maybe 10 pairs. It was time. I mean I was totally overdue for this girly crap.

Then of coursa comes Andre’s favorite. The gadget fix. Andre’s plan finally is going to be a year in a few days. It might be already actually. I told him that I want a cell phone. But not only do I want a cell phone, but I want a pimp cell phone. I want the just released as of the 10^th Sidekick 3. $400 retail or so.

That coupled with the computer things, and wow he has it bad. Andre’s pocketbook is screaming. But we both knew this was coming.

Well, this isn’t completely a lost cause. Andre is thinking that I could just get a little extra from my student loan and get myself a new laptop and the cell. I think that’s probably the best thing.

Oh well, that’s our exit. I’ll probably post this this in a little bit.