this is ridiculous that I even need to spell this out...

But if you are interested me, you should show it (better than you have, if you think you have). I want to see that I'm desired. I shouldn't have to work to pull that feeling out of you. It should just be given as if you wanted to give it in the first place. If you overstep something.. don't worry, I will let you know.

But I'm sick of playing the babysitter to people that want to people that supposedly want to be with me.

I'm sick of this catering bs. Catering is something that unattractive people have to do to make themself appear more attractive to someone else.
I think that if you are genuinely interested, you had to have found something about me attractive.. so show me.

I know you people can do better than the half assed effort that you are showing. Take the time and effort to make it known that you think I'm something. (and don't throw pity parties or tell me stuff when drunk. that gets annoying real fast)

Is this asking too much nowadays? Seriously I'm beginning to wonder. I didn't think it was. But apparently my expectations are far too high or something...

hehe

Juggling 3 emails atm. Having fun. Wish I had trillion. Erm... well, maybe not. That could be a bit dangerous.

i feel so unproductive

I have to work on a project with 3 other people today, and I'm just not getting much done it seems. I'd go into brief details but I can't. NDA NDA NDA

Grr. I wish I could get more done today. But I really can't do that much =(

apparently

I wear too many things with polka dots lately. I went shopping last week and bought some new clothes. Today I wore something that I can only refer to as "the pirate outfit." It wasn't intended that way.. I thought it looked more "pinup" when I put it together the day I bought it. Super cute.
No one has said anything about it... except one guy on the EQ1 team, who said that "Polka dots are awesome".
I told Anj at lunch. I wanted to make sure he got the time off tnite so I could finally make it over to Rocky. He just laughed. Said no one prolly noticed, and I'm being paranoid.
However! I have been wearing polka dots on every outfit since I'd been shopping... and I still have more at home that I haven't worn yet.
So, methinks it may be time to go back to the mall again when I have time... and get some cute clothes that don't have polka dots.
Oh, and I need to make a point to get these damn jeans tailored. They're a bit long.. grr!

Tis all me

J- Everyone loves you.
E- Damn good kisser
N- You are absolutely beautiful.
A- You like to drink.

++++

A- You like to drink.
B- you're a laid back, like to have fun kind of person
C- People tend to judge you because you are popular.
D- You have one of the best personalities ever.
E- Damn good kisser
F- People adore you.
G- You never let people tell you what to do.
H- You have a very good personality and looks.
I- You have a fine ass.
J- Everyone loves you.
K-You are really silly.
L- You live to have fun.
M- Success comes easily to you.
N- You are absolutely beautiful.
O- You are one of the best in bed.
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- Fuckin sexy.
S- Easy to fall in love with.
T- You're loyal to those you love.
U- You really like to chill.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded.
X-you never let people tell you what to do
Y- One of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for.
Z- Always ready.

(B/c myspace is being stupid and won't let me post this one


To all of you that were so worried about me

You are the most awesome people in the world to show your concern about the current situation. I am fine! I don't have the time to sit here worrying about all of this load of people crap that I have been dealing with. But I seriously don't have the time to worry. And, if it's one thing that I have learned, it's that bitterness solves nothing. It just adds to things and who wants to fuel a drama mill? I certainly don't and neither should you.
So there you go everyone.. I may wear my heart out on my sleeve sometimes. I have my moments where I am ephemerally vulnerable to getting hurt.. everyone is. It's humanism at its best/worst. Where you take your life from when the shit hits the fan- is key. Will you break? Will those around you really care? Sometimes if you want to find the answers... the easiest way is to fall and see who is there to pick you up. Are you?)
Food for thought circa ~me 1158p

/flexes girly power musle of might

http://www.uwm.edu/~kayeyahn/karaoke.mp3

right now this is my theme song

That don't Impress Me Much- Shania Twain

Rest easy

If I go tonight, I'm not going to sleep with him. Rest easy... though you may not think it's easy. When I say I'm going to take a pause on everything, I seriously mean it. I have no desire to do the nasty with anyone atm.

missing..

I miss the romantic part of you.. the little messages... the flowers... the feeling of it not being forced...the big squeeze hugs... the looks in your eyes that told me that you loved me completely even though I am a fuckup...
What happened to that part of you?

don't..

snoop, or pry.. even if "it's out" here "in the public view"... mistrust, deception... these are places for me to vent my frustrations.. please don't add to them... just subtract...
I will talk to you in a bit... but I changed that status back to "In a Relationship"

But right now, I am lost. There is no doubt about that. I think we need another vacation and fast.. it's too bad we can't afford it now though.

but I do

still love you.. even though you have done so much to me. I don't want you to go. I'm upset. Furiously upset and unhappy.. because I know you are not living up to your potential. Once upon a time, you loved me didn't you? Why aren't you acting like it?
The conversations happen over the phone, because we both know face to face we see eachother's eyes and we break down.
Do you love me? Can you recall how we once were? Things sparkled like magic. Don't give me excuses that its about the kids.. is it that you don't desire me anymore? Don't you see how much I cry because I have to fight you to hold me?
Do you really still love me? Do you really still care? At all? even as a friend? I feel like I mean nothing to you...
Do I?

I'm going to have to hold back the tears now.. because I am at work... but give me a call when you get here if you wish. I will go chat.
I'm sorry that everything that comes out of my mouth isn't wonderful. I am a mess... we need to work on this... if this means anything to you anymore.. if we mean anything to you...

crashed

I think everything has finally crashed into its inevitable. I want a divorce. I think everything else will be gone... I think that Anj likely went over there and started some shit. He is an asshole and I hope a truck hits him on the way home. I'm a horrible person.
I know that no one will want me.
I'm betting that I will likely lose my job.
I'm going to be fucked over. All because I chose to marry that garbage piece of shit.
Just when I thought I was finally going to make some progress... I'm going to be 10 steps behind.
Ah ain't life grand?

Veneral Diseases LOLZ

I was just thinking about all the crazy things that I could tell a guy to completely make them not try anything with me. Lies that would make me laugh beyond imagination and all that jazz of course. But that would be mean.. and then I might really be "a loon." Who the hell knows.
I don't think that normal society has enough of a sense of humor for that.

thats just funny

A call to say "Thank you for not being a loon." Lmfao

Man I need to get down to LA. Maybe in 2 paychecks so I can get my hair done again too. Who the hell knows.

I have to budget for Mr Wonderful's dinner this week. So maybe next week? I just don't know how I am going to manage and juggle the kiddos.

Eh... I will figure something out.

let's stop pretending

Me and Andre aren't happy here. So I think I may be investigating options here. No no, not men kinda options. I am kinda done done with thinking any relationship will likely work.
I'm just saying.
I don't know what's going to happen. But at this point.. to an extent.. I don't care. I should be more upset about it probably. But I'm tired of crying.