a few moments of course

Is all I ever seem to have to blog a day.. I try and keep in contact with most people through im's and things usually on my break. Lately, I have been smoking again. Yes, I am stressed... I know that it must be so obvious. I have alot on my mind now. I don't know what's going to happen with my life. I wish that I could pause and close my eyes... that I magically would know all the answers. But it isn't that easy. Life never is.
I think that there is something deeper there..than just.. "that"... but unfortunately the only way to tell for sure is to let go, and jump in. I don't know if I am ready to take that blind leap. It's a long deep hole... The cliff is high... the choice, a scary one. I feel broken. Everything around me seems to break these days.
Le sigh.. life. My thoughts are a deep abyss.

my toon

On an entirely different note... my character from City of Heroes... she's got Mind Control, Healing, and Leadership buff spec. I love playing a diverse character. This game has sooo many ways to make the character build unique to the player. I have not come across another toon in game spec'd exactly the same. It is quite wonderful.

I need to get a better shot, but here is at least something.

standards

Now to be perfectly honest before I elaborate here.. I am fully aware and have been told that my standards are considered by most to be "impossible" "outrageous" "unattainable", etcetera etcetera. I see no harm in having wants that reach the sky. It doesn't mean that I expect to get any of them. But who doesn't wish for something wonderful? Expectations and standards vary from person to person.. to what may seem high to some, may seem minor to others, and/or vice versa.
I had a discussion recently with someone very dear to me a little about my "standards" when it comes to men that I date. I think she got the wrong impression... as I was frustrated, and thusly, the words were coming out wrong.
Then comes the vindictive stabs into psychology with songs and lyrics, that really were not necessary. I do not proclaim my life to be without its flaws. It is these very flaws that build me into the person that I am. I am comfortable with my imperfection... this is part of the plauge that is humanity. No one living nor dead was without sin last I noticed.
From a religious standpoint, since it is a Sunday, I will have to say that in my personal beliefs I believe that "The Lord hath already forgiven me from mine sin. I have to come to forgive myself." And if I have done wrong, then it is for my God to judge me upon.
I need to appologize for my lapse in judgement... I shouldn't judge, yet I have fallen victim to that. I need to practice not doing so. However, it is yet another part of the flaws I accept as mine own.
Getting back to the point here, about standards...
I look for some very specific qualities in men:
intelligence
drive
determination
character
ambition
sense of humor
confidence
motivation
charm
comfort
Chemistry

I know that I am missing a few things here at least. But I am at work so I only have a little bit of time.*There is a reason that some were left out- the obvious Trust and Loyalty are a given, but some may decide to poke about into them. So, we will put those aside for the moment.
Without some of these things, no relationship will last. Or at least not ones that I am in. If it is absolutely one thing that I cannot stand it is a man that doesn't want to better themself or their situation. Life is about progession. Who wants to stay where they are for the rest of their life? Unless it is the end of their life? Not many. So many of us are trying to achieve our own happiness. For me, that is very difficult. So I am trying to just live day to day. Some days are harder than others.. but this is my choice. I accept the consequence for making this decision.

Now if I am to be torn down at by having high expectations underlying me, then so be it. I don't see a reason why that is so horrible. So what if I care about a man having a decent job and not settleing or coping out and chosing something easier. Or not having a job means that you are not worthy.. because I believe that someone should want to do something with themself. I may not be at the best part of my life, but I'm trying to progress.. even if it is slowly.. I am determined to move on and work hard so that I can in order to succeed.
There are some personal things that I need to work on of course... but who doesn't? I expect more, because if I am happy, I know that I will give more. Even without the expectation of it. Right now I am not in some ways.. but where I am, it is evident that I will do more. Those people that make me extremely happy will see the best parts and the worst parts of all that entails me. This is life... this is just me... the way that I am.. take it or leave it... some things are all or nothing.
I shall leave you with a quote from one of my favorite movies... which pretty much sums up my philosophy about where I stand with my "standards"

"There are too many mediocre things in life and Love shouldn't be one of them."

Food for thought....

tired =(

So lately, I seem to be just writing here and there in what little teeny parts are left from my breaks and lunch. It's been a crazy week.. full of an assortment of drama. Well, we all know that there has been some misunderstandings at work. Lesson of course being- that no matter how nice you are to some people, they will always be "that" way. S, N, M, and I came to the conclusion that sometimes silly boys get crushes, and then get pissed off when they realize that they don't have a chance.
Oh well. I'm not going to walk on eggshells about it. I'm there to do my job, and to do it the best possible. I don't want any drama from anyone. I just want to be taught how to do my job, so I don't constantly need to be asking for help. I really like the people for the most part.. and I just want to have fun. But, eh I guess you can't please everyone.
I've been playing a City of Heroes lately. It's pretty fun actually. Different from the other mmos out. I liked designing my costume alot. I think I look almost villain-y.

I made her smile, so that'll be enough =)

I called Tina to tell her what I'd been planning once I heard wind of her wedding. This week has been a crazy hell one. After coming home from a not so fabulous day at the office, I got a phone call from my friend Sarah about some troubles back home. The first thing I did was make a phone call to my best friend Mike.. got me a ticket home round trip for 70$... I have amazing friends, but we knew this.
However, even with this, I couldn't manage to fund the daycare for the trip- as Andre had just taken his 2 days off and I would have needed to work a 7 day stretch to make up for the lost time.
I called Tina though to tell her that I had attempted to surprise her, and left her a message- "Just call me when you get this, and tell me I'm an awesome friend. alright?"
I answer the phone the next day to "You are an awesome friend." She was very happy that I had tried to do that for her. Still, I wish that I could have actually have surprised her and been there for her. She is one of my dearest closest friends. I really wanted more than anything to be at that wedding. But, I made her smile, so that'll have to do.

sappy sap sap sap

Alright.. so one of my best friends of many years is going to be getting married. I am scrambling to do everything that I possibly can to make sure that I am there. I hope that Mike can pull through for me..
I have to say this.. despite everything that goes on.. and all the misc. drama...
when it comes down to it, my best friends are the most awesomest people on this friggin planet. I mean, I was sooo pissed yesterday because of somethings. I said some really shitty things to M, and the first thing that she did was not get pissed but just say "I love ya Jen... even though you're saying this... " She made me smile. So did Steve... a new friend of mine. I love the quality of the caliber I keep in closeness to me. They are absolutely wonderful and I love you guys =)

10 mins...

Ok I skipped my smoke for this... so that you will have something to read chick. What's going on? Sorry I woke you up.
Anyways.. so this is where I go into what's new in Jen town. Let's see.. hmmm... nothing! Well, I did talk to S today for a bit... he needs to fix his stupid trillion/AIM because it went fubar recently. What a freak. Don't think I will be able to get that thing that I wanted unfortunately. Hmmm... need to make a resume again (no I did not get fired!!)
I need to go to Fry's today and get myself a headset for work. I'm basically chained to my desk with this one. And I want to go get some water right now and retouch up my lipstick. There's a hot guy here, and of course he isn't going behind me.. blah. You wouldn't think so M. He has those thick rimmed square "nerdie/indie" glasses I am all about. Yumm. Anyways. Be back in a bit.

3 mins to blog

I have a few spare minutes... was bored again as usual at work. Everyone is off doing their own thing and I have the new girl syndrome again. Haven't talked to S in days. I'm beguinning to just blow it off. Le sigh. Oh well.
This is a long day. I stayed up late to watch Silent Hill the movie last nite.. which was great if you've ever played the game.. it was alot like it. Andre watched it and didnt get it as much.. b/c he didn't play.
I tried looking for my prints.. up till like 230.. but to no avail. I'm tired.. and coffee isn't working. To make matters worse, i can't seem to light any of my ciggarettes. and, yeah other stuff (not female stuff)

kk time to go back to work.

asked- and answer

{friend}: why do we let men do this to us?

me: b/c they give us something that we need
me: the part of ourselves that we think we're missing
me: but the thing is
me: it was always there inside of us.. we just needed them to realize it

a decision

I'm going to try and apply for a couple of jobs. Andre and I did the research, and we came to the conclussion that it was best that I got a job.
I'm still going to ask around to get some other opinions, but that's how it looks for the time being.
I was really disappointed by what we read about school. It was a reality check.
I'm going to aim at getting a job and teaching myself the programs the hard way. Then, later I can get certified and hopefully have some job experience under my belt.
In all honesty a job will do us a world of good anyway. With the extra income, I could pay off my debts and raise my credit score.
So, tommorrow (ok, well today now actually =p) I need to write up a resume. Wow, it's been forever since I did that. Geezus.
But, I think it will be positive for me. I need to do that for myself.
And who knows? I may meet some cool people in the process.
For the first time in a few weeks... I'm stoked about things. =)